a peak into the mind of a girl with too many thoughts. stream of consciousness, if you will.
It’s been a year since the death of my grandpop. It scares me so much because a year ago, I thought- how on earth can we go on with out him? Things will never be the same, we will never get used to it.
But we have. Maybe that should be an empowering thought. Our family was strong enough to accept his death and move on. But it makes me sick. And it makes me want to cry. I feel numb. Today I looked at his gravestone and I realized… that is going to happen with my entire family. It frightens me to death. But I can’t think about it. But if I avoid thinking about it, that’s when it’s going to happen. I can’t live in fear, but I can’t just pretend everything is going to be okay. It’s not.
I don’t understand what happens to us when we die and I am not okay with it. Where is my grandpop? A few years ago he was whistling jawnty tunes and singing “Good Morning! Good Morning! It’s great to stay out late…”, a few years ago he was giving me packets of lifesavers, a few years ago he was drinking chocolate milkshakes and reading the obituaries. But he’s not anymore. And he never will. Does he still exist?
I’m never going to hug him again. I’m glad I had the courage to hug is fragile body when I did… my sisters never did. But I’m never going to be able to wrap my arms around him anymore. When he died… he was just a body. He wasn’t there anymore. He just… stopped. Now a year later he’s somewhere under the ground… most likely not a body anymore. Where did he go? Someone tell me. Is he just gone? Does he still exist?
I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him. I didn’t even see him last Christmas. Why didn’t I just go with my mom to try to get him to come to Renies? What was I doing that was so important? Opening presents for myself? I would have atleast been able to see him. I could’ve had a memorable last moment with him. If I had gone, now I could be saying “well, atleast I went to see him.” But I didn’t. I don’t remember my last interaction with my grandpop. I just took his life for granted. Do I do that with everyone?
Sometimes I forget about him. I don’t spend everyday thinking about him. I spent a while… but it passed. I don’t want it to pass. I want to hold on, but naturally it just passes. Everybody just passes. Memories go away. Why why why why why. I don’t want things to change. I can’t do this with all of the people I love. I just can’t handle it.